The Tired and Imbibed Public Speaker by John Townsend

There was a slow ripple of appluase as the speaker, Edward Anover, rose to his feet, a little hesitant, perhaps slightly over indulgent in the drinks department, as well as remiss of preparation. His notes had become somewhat rearranged, having fallen to the floor several times.

With a shove from behind, he suddenly had no choice but to be in total eye contact with his audience, a gathering of the Fawn Lawns Ladies Guild.
The appluase now rose in volume and in so doing sealed his fate as to where he was going to be for the next twenty minutes.
He coughed several times, once rather too close to the microphone causing an explosion like sound that made several ladies look around nervously.
He gathered his notes, not paying any attention to the order, then started to speak. "Good and gracious ladies of the, the?" he pauses to recall who he is talking to, a voice quitely prompts him, "Fawn Lawns Ladies Guild, you silly old fart." He coughs again the resumes, "The Fart lawns gay ladies guild."
There was a lot of muttering, some in shock, however Edward Anover carried on as he lifted one of his notes. "The end is better than the begining, as I have written here, in that it may be," He shuffles through his notes trying to locate page one, but his eyes are none too good due to the drink. He gathers a page believing it to be page one, then continues, "A tin of Tuna, Potatoes, two pints of milk, and some cheese?" Again he pauses realizing he has found a shopping list rather than his speach. Quickly he gathers another sheet and rambles into it, "So you know the way, dig deep for what you believe, mat the sun always shine."
A voice wispers from behind, "Tell them about the day trippers." He half hears and becomes very confused as he repeats the words he think he heard. "And not to forget to mention the ladt strippers, whoever you are?" He was swaying a little as laughter broke out, then gathering another of his notes he attempts to read, "And to that end I will join with you, we shall show this town what we are made of, you do not mess with fat fawn gay ladies."
With that he sat down unaware he had pushed his chair back when he stood up. To the audiebce he just disappeared from sight amid a crashing to the rear of the stage. Quickly he was escourted out of the building as a member of the commitee rose to take charge of the situation.
It is true to say he never was asked to speak there again.